Britain’s Next Top Model – Finale


Little Twat

I’ve spoken before about half-watching this series. Then Quincy spoke about the franchise. So let’s make this the final piece in the triptych, inspired by the most fatuous entertainment available. The finale to Britain’s Next Top Model was televised on Monday. This time the hour long format was extended by 25 minutes. I bet you can’t believe you missed it.

We were down to three – the unholy trinity. Firstly we had bitchy, spoilt twat Alex. Then we had big-wapped, dusky, self-righteous berk, Stefanie. Finally, we had classically beautiful, burger-flipping redhead-dunderhead, Catherine. And, from these three, a winner had to be decided upon. Looking at them, even now, it’s apparent that none of them have ‘Top Model’ written all over them. Pretty, yes. Models, maybe. Top models, no way.

Stefanie was ejected after half an hour leaving ‘best mates’ Alex and Charlotte. Eage-eyed readers with elephantine memories will remember I referred to Alex as a ‘little twat’ back at the kick-off. When the decision was made, the judges went for this little twat, deciding that Catherine wasn’t up to it, despite the fact she was far prettier, much more likable and didn’t have a face and body more bland than the most unmoving Nuts pictorial. Quite how they came to the decision, I couldn’t tell you.

The code the judges speak in is an indecipherable babble of second hand fashionista speak. They talk about degrees of fierceness – soooo fierce, totally non-fierce, really working the fierceness.

There’s another one – the ‘working it’ phrase. Is she working it in that photo, for you? Do you think she can work it in editorial? Can she work it runway-style? Is she purely working the commercial side? These are the things they say to one another, leaving people like me – the type who run to the nearest Oxfam when high fashion is mentioned – cowering and dribbling with confusion.

‘Working it’ implies that they actually do work, but for the past god-knows-how-many weeks we’ve been subjected to endless footage of them standing in fashion shoots, being photgraphed whilst doing precisely nothing other than pulling faces. This is what models do. They pull faces whilst standing about. It’s so far from rocket science that to state that it’s not that is to state the obvious so forcefully that your jaw will come loose, leaving a yawning, confused chasm where your face used to be.

I also have a problem with ‘fierce’. What’s so ‘fierce’ about standing about and pouting in a well lit room? It implies some intensity of feeling, ‘fierce’. There is no feeling where these girls are concerned. They stand limply in front of a lens while some bisexual poser or self-important old woman orders that their picture gets taken.

The expression on their faces is generally one of boredom or faux-sensuality. No deeper meaning should be read into it than they are trying their hardest to look sexy so that you’ll buy a watch, or a perfume or some other material shit. What they are doing is of no importance, and the whole racket is a fucking farce.

Snowdon is a horrible host. She’s clearly watched Tyra Banks at work and either she’s directed to copy her every move or she does it of her own accord. Tyra Banks is annoying enough – that’s another post entirely – but Snowdon copying Banks’s trite catchphrases and thick-as-pigshit enthusiasm? It’s more than any sane man can bear. ‘I was just like…soooo not thinking she was working it that day, but this time she’s, like, TOTALLY soooo fierce. But for me she’s not next top model material’. What the fuck does any of that mean? Alan Sugar she is not. Her use of the word ‘deliberate’ never fails to raise my ire. ‘That was a great deliberation’. ‘Ok guys, it’s time to deliberate’. Said so many times, the word loses all meaning and just becomes a segment in a torrid television programme. It’s direct abuse of the language and I won’t stand for it.

With zombie-freak Huggy and that twat in the hat, wrong decisions were made at literally every stage of the process. These are a collection of contemptible twats offering the phoniest prize imaginable. They will never be ‘top models’, this lot. They never could have been. Not only are they being offered a fake prize, they’re also deluding themselves that the prize is worth winning. Didn’t they see previous series? I can name Kate Moss, but I couldn’t for the life of me tell you the name of any previous winners of this show. Which suggests they’re not exactly ‘top’. More lower-bottom.

The worst thing is that Alex won. As I mentioned, she was a complete and utter arsehole – not only boring to look at, but also nasty, manipulative, bullying, vain, stuck up, vacuous and thick. The fact that she won shows the whole thing up for exactly what it is. It’s worse than Big Brother as it’s not a popularity contest – they’re perfectly allowed to fight with one another. It’s worse than the Apprentice because their mettle is never tested – the worst they have to do is hold a snake for five minutes or be suspended from the ceiling… big deal.

It’s worse than most reality shows as it only deals in surface, vanity and the fleeting quality of outer attractiveness. It’s the most shallow piece of shit on TV and – even worse – pretty compulsive.

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77 Responses to “Britain’s Next Top Model – Finale”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry for the extended silence, I have been puking my guts up for two days.

  2. Quincy Phd Says:

    Looks like all that model watching has given you bulimia, I guess TV has en effect after all.

    Excellent article, and totally accurate – it should be called Britains Next One-Stop Trip to Modeling Fake Jewelry on the Shopping Channel.

  3. Napoleon Says:


  4. Swineshead Says:

    I might do some research on how the past winners have fared… I’d be surprised if they’ve done more than graced the front cover of the free magazine you get at Sainsburys.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    As disgusted as me that Alex won, are we Napoleon?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I wish someone other than me and Medlo would write articles.
    And if they do write an article, I wish they’d put some bloody effort into it (Piqued).

  7. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been working like a dog, but am planning a film round-up. I watched Hancock, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan, Chapter 27 and Balls of Fury last Saturday, so I’ll do them. I need to get a picture done first.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Tell you what – that’d be great but maybe do them individually as One Minute Reviews? Or full length if you can be arsed.

    While I was sick I watched Broken Flowers (good but only because I like meandering arthouse nonsense) and HARDCORE (weak 70s thriller about an everyday Christian fundamentalist getting embroiled in the world of hardcore PORN).

    I also watched lots of episodes of Spaced again.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been on a film binge recently – mainly due to the lack of riches on telly recently. Thankfully, with EastEnders’ sensitive decision to introduce a paedophile to the square, there’ll soon be plenty to stare in utter disbelief at.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I watched The Mist at the weekend – that was fucking great.

    I tell you what Eastenders bosses should do, and that’s axe Sean. Or Shaun. Whatever it is. Because in reality he’d be banged up by now – dangling babbies out of windows, beating women… and that’s only the past week. Plus he can’t act

  11. Quincy Phd Says:

    Cinema is dead! Films are the medium of the gutter. The only true artform left is Saturday evening ITV reality shows… as to be witnessed in my upcoming critique and adulation of ‘Who Dares Sings.’

    Jarmusch is a fool, Wenders an arse and Lynch a mediocrity. Ben Shepard, now there’s a man with a soul to bare.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Reminds me of Lynch talking about the iPhone, for some reason, Quincy…

  13. Quincy Phd Says:

    He’s actually a genius, isn’t he, even without his movies…

    “Bullshit, total fucking bullshit”

  14. george Says:

    Good article, but I think that you’re been too hard on models there SH. They have to stand around, sometimes for hours, getting paid thousands of pounds to wear clothes stitched together by a third world orphan, and then have to put up with another three hours back stage in a gruelling, state of the art dressing room. Add that to the fact they can’t get decent coke anymore and you can’t blame them for assaulting the lucky proletariats they encounter in restrooms and such.

    I’d like to write something, if you’d let me?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    How can cinema be dead, Quincy? Why, any lady will tell you it’s alive and well, what with super-faff Sex & The City being followed by the megalith that is Mamma Mia. Surely, with films of this quality, your assertion that cinema is … oh, hang on …

  16. Swineshead Says:

    George – go ahead – make it a One Minute Review and we’ll see how it looks. Mail it to the email address top right.

    Mamma Mia – Kermode said it’s bearable. I don’t believe it. I’ve seen the clip with Meryl singing. Bad Meryl.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Why haven’t they done a musical based around the hits of wonder-woman songstress Carly Simon? I’d go to watch it twice. I’d enjoy the first time so much it would ensure I’d be ‘Coming Around Again’.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t care less what Kermode says. You only have to see an advert for the fucking thing to see that it’s a giant pile of shite. You don’t need an up-his-own-arse Exorcist obsessive to point that out for you.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    The Exorcist is shit.

    I’m going off Kermode every time he’s on the TV. ‘Over-exposed’ is the word.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    *are the words.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    In my opinion they should do a musical based on the many, many hits of Jimmy Nail. Unlike Carly Simon, Jimmy’s prepared to admit he’s an old man inside a young man’s suit AND he’s a damn fool for to ask for more.

    You could call it ‘Ain’t No Doubt My Crocodile Shoes Are Still A Burning Flame’.

  22. Quincy Phd Says:

    They did do a musical based around the hits of Carly Simon, didn’t they? I thought it was called Working Girl.

    I’ve actually always wanted to make a compilation of the best flogging bits from Passion of the Christ set to ‘Leeeeeet The River Ruuuuuun’ or maybe ‘You’re so Vain.’ I envisioned it as a sister piece to this:

    John Farnum, Desmond Morris and innocent babbies… surely due for s stage makeover?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Or you could just call it ‘Hasbeen Geordie with Broken Nose’. Compared with Carly Simon, the man’s a fart in a gale.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    *now has ‘Let The River Run’ stuck in his head*

  25. Quincy Phd Says:

    *also has Let the River Run stuck in his head*

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Has had ‘Cloud Nine’ by The Temptations stuck in his head all morning, now has ‘Let The River Run’. Thanks, lads.

  27. Quincy Phd Says:

    I’d quite like to see a musical based on the collective work of piano maestro Billy Joel. It could be called the Piano Man from 52nd Street Swims in the Lenningrad River of Dreams and Didn’t Start the Fire.

    What do you mean you don’t remember Lenningrad? That’s track 8 off Storm Front about the clown that made the children laugh while all around war was waging and people dying. Beautiful.

    We can mock, and frequently do, but I’m assuming you all know about the Fly Opera, yes?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I remember Leningrad. I’m trying to think of a more abhorrent musical entity than Joel …

    … Elton John? Nope …

    … ABBA? Close …

    … The fucking Carpenters? No, not even them …

    … nah, can’t think of anyone worse.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    I know about it now. Is Billy Joel involved?

    I’m having to have peanut butter on toast for lunch to ensure I don’t puke my guts up – what kind of a life is this?

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – Celine Dion?

    ‘Beauty and The Beast Think Twice Before Your Heart Will Go On’

  31. Quincy Phd Says:

    Let the River Run – the music video:

    A few observations:
    My god I’d forgotten how big Carly Simon’s mouth was.
    The video gives away the whole plot of the movie.
    They could afford to hire Joan Cusack to appear in it, but not Melanie Griffith so they just hired a look-a-like,
    The ending, and accomplishment of Griffiths ambition, is to be a mindless drone in an utterly indistinguishable office building.

    I’d also now quite like to watch it again.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Celine Dion? It could work. Or Dolly Parton meets Streisand:

    Working 9 To 5 Because I’m A Funny Girl With Massive Tits And A Big Nose.

    Is the peanut butter/toast lunch a result of the International Credit Crunch? I know we’re all having to tighten our belts …

  33. Quincy Phd Says:

    How about Elton John AND Billy Joel?

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Quincy – Melanie’s ultimate ambition was to get a high-powered executive’s job AND chow down on Han Solo’s underpant guardian. She achieved both – not bad considering she sounds like she’s been sucking on helium balloons and has an appalling 80s hairstyle.

    As for Joan Cusack? She must thank ‘er lucky stars that there’s a movie actor out there with her name on him. I watched one recently starring JohnCusack called ‘War Inc.’, and surprise, surprise, there was our Joan. I can’t think of any other actor/actress who relies so heavily on nepotism.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    That picture is an abomination. As foul a combo as the time Sting, Michael Bolton and Bryan Adams got together to sing the theme song to that shitty Three Musketeers film starring that Young Guns shower off of the 80s.

  36. Quincy Phd Says:

    “I can’t think of any other actor/actress who relies so heavily on nepotism.”

    Jean Claude Van Damme? Oh wait, sorry, he plays his own twin brother instead of hiring him,

    What did you think of War, inc? I quite liked it myself, although didn’t think it was a patch on Grosse Point Blank

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Nepotism career path – look no further than blank-faced washboard, Sienna Miller.

  38. Quincy Phd Says:

    One for All and All for Love? That’s a stone cold classic…!

    Oliver Platt and Chris O’Donnell in the same film? Be still my beating heart.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I wasn’t all that impressed by War, Inc. I didn’t think the satire was all that strong, and Cusack seemed to be sleep-walking through his latest cool man in a black suit ‘n’ tie with a past role. It was alright, I suppose.

    Oliver Platt and Chris O’Donnell are shit. Especially Chris O’Donnell. And Oliver Platt.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    And Get The Funk Outta My Face by The Brothers Johnson is a stone-cold classic. All For Love isn’t.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon is a stone cold classic.

  42. Quincy Phd Says:

    The satire was pretty obvious, for sure, but I also thought it was quite funny… luckily I got to watch it on a computer monitor which, I think, is what David Lynch recommends as the optimum viewing format.

    I do everything he says,

  43. Quincy Phd Says:

    Convoy by CW McCall is a stone cold classic….!

    I got it wrong again, didn’t I?

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I’m a fan of Convoy. Can’t stand David Lynch.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead’s right. Nobody Does It Better is a stone-cold classic. And from a fucking good Bond movie too.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    The standard of debate here has dropped as Dave’s not here to accuse of being racist.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    He’s probably at a rally with the other Nazis.

  48. Quincy Phd Says:

    Or making amends by being circumcised as a sign of support.

  49. george Says:

    Wrote the little review thing. Check your inbox.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    It’s alright that, George, except Quincy’s doing Who Dares Sings… he mentioned it up there ^


    Do one about an advert, they’re easy.

  51. george Says:

    Ah, shit! That’s what I get for not reading things properly.

    *goes back to drawing board*

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry about that…

  53. george Says:

    It’s not your fault!

  54. Quincy Phd Says:

    Ah, it’s ok – if George wants to do Who Dares Sings then go for it. I’m off on holiday tomorrow and was going to finish it this afternoon so there’s something to post while I’m away, but I haven’t got to do it at all… should probably pack or do some work or something else really,.. I suppose…

  55. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll use George’s then.

    Where’re you going on holiday? Hunstanton’s good when it’s raining.

  56. george Says:

    Cheers quincy!

  57. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never heard of Who Dares Sings. I’ll wager it has fuck all to do with a certain Lewis Collins SAS spectacular … and that’s a damned shame.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon you should funk out to the funky grooooves of Rick James, motherfunker …

  59. Quincy Phd Says:

    No problem… I’ve got a couple of other ideas so I’ll try to do at least one before I go. Where am I going…? Barcelona with a certain childhood friend of yours… plus some girls.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    Childhood friend? Eh?

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Was it that fat kid? You know? The fat one?

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Not Fatty?
    Barcelona with Fatty and the girls?

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Is he still as fat as he was? P’raps the fat bastard should spend less time with Quincy and the girls, and a bit more time doing some bloody exercise. The fat fucking bastard.

  64. Quincy Phd Says:

    It’s not Fatty – it’s Ginger, you remember Ginger – the ginger one who lived next door to Chalky and Smithy. Ginger isn’t fat, although he is ginger.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Seriously though – who is it?
    GC? DPL?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t distinguish between the two. They’re all bastards – look at Dave. Fat AND a ginger.

  67. Quincy Phd Says:

    GC with the lovely CU, plus you might remember JW and my gal IL (who you don’t know)… all friends and friends alike… aaaaaah….

  68. Napoleon Says:


  69. Swineshead Says:

    They are – all twits. A load of twits in Hunstanton.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Hunstanton? Say no more.

    I’ve finished for the day in my back-breaking career at the rock-face of professional (a-ho-ho-ho) illustration. I think I’ll give this near-impossible bit I’m stuck on in Scarface a whirl. That game’s eaten my life.

  71. george Says:

    I’ve just discovered the joy at getting endlessly thrashed 18 – 0 by 12 year old Koreans on Pro Evolution Soccer 2008.

  72. goerge Says:

    registered with wordpress, SH, my log in name is ugeine.

  73. Gilbert Wham Says:

    See, now yesterday I was unfortunate enough to watch ‘Bonekickers’. fuck me, words simply cannot describe…

  74. Clarry Says:

    I wouldn’t even consider watching a programme with such a ridiculous name. Bonekickers indeed….

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Is it literally about people kicking bones? And it’s an hour long?

    Clarry’s right – that IS ridiculous.

    And I should know, I’ve worked in management, I’ve been a personal assessor – health and safety – rubber bands etc…

  76. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Picture, if you will, Waking The Dead crossed with Time Team. With a side-order of ‘topical’ Spooks plotlines discarded as being too ridiculous.

  77. uvqiyes uwrtdfhcz Says:

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