Let’s Dance For Comic Relief – Ep. 1


I apologise.

I said harsh things about Let’s Dance For Comic Relief before it had even aired and, having watched it, I feel a bloody fool. For its opening twenty-five minutes, this was decent Saturday night television. Apart from one section, which bordered on indecent, as you can see in the Youtube link above.

Twenty five minutes’ amusement during  a show that goes on (and on) for over an hour and a half may not seem like much, but three items of televisual gold accompanied by Steve Jones managing not to be a complete cock can’t be bad. Jonesy was actually better than bearable – and Winkleman was alright too. What the hell is going on?

The show opened with Eastenders’ Minty (the fat mechanic) and Christian (the gay stud) taking part in a High School Musical routine with such gusto and effort that it was impossible not to be swept up in its charm. Christian, in particular, had some eye-opening moves and Minty, television’s nicest fictional character, was gamely trying to keep time. With the feelgood blast of the High School Musical enterprise in the background, only a hard-hearted bastard could’ve complained.

Next up, Christopher Biggins and Nicki Chapman, whilst not carrying the same charisma as the previous pairing, provided some entertainment – mainly stemming from the fact that the spherical Biggins chose to walk through the set rather than dance, still managing to work up a slick sweat despite his inertia. Wearing a black Glitter-wig and running his hands over Chapman’s body, Biggins looked like a genial sex-offender. Which is pretty much his schtick anyway.

But it was the third act that caused a dangerous level of hysteria in this household. Lincolnshire lad, Robert Webb’s routine as the welding girl from Flashdance was so far out there it sent the viewer into confused spasms. The leotard, the Frank-n-Furter wig were frankly disturbing but the way they interplayed with the precision of his dance-moves… for a couple of seconds I honestly thought my other half was going to pass out, either from laughing, shock or desire. I had to press pause so we could gather ourselves. It was so far out there that it’s impossible to describe, so watch the clip if you haven’t seen it. I still think watching Webb’s act has damaged a small part of my brain.

After that, and with an hour left to go, the rest of this extravaganza was plops, I’m afraid. Well worth the entrance money for Webb’s dance alone – but the fact that Dick and Dom won out over the Eastenders twosome with their tediously by-the book Blues Brothers wackiness is nothing short of a national disgrace. A plague on Dick and Dom.

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192 Responses to “Let’s Dance For Comic Relief – Ep. 1”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    From BingoBango on Youtube comments:

    omfg!! no wonder the uk looks bad, hes a shit excue for a man, i know its charity but wax ur balls man, dont dress up like a gimp and do the gayest dance u could find in canel street, u make the male race look fucking awful u prick

  2. Napoleon Says:

    That clip’s made me think I’m on drugs. Am I on drugs? Or was that real?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    It did similar things to me. Scary isn’t it?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I was about to call The Wright Stuff about this Jade business. What’s happening to me?

  5. Napoleon Says:

    You should have done. I would have been able to hear you and then I could have said on here,

    “Blimey! Swineshead’s on the telly making a fool of himself.”

    I’ve rang that show up before but didn’t get on. I think this was because I started bellowing angrily at the researcher.

  6. breeks Says:

    morning all.

    nicki chapman lives opposite me. i see her at our ridiculously over-priced gym most days. or i did when i went most days. most days now i spend sitting on our new ikea sofa watching our new skyplus.

    anyway she’s going out with a guy who has No Chin at all. and her house is a polite lemon colour with accessorising grey cars (lexus 4wd and bmw coupe, in case you wanted to know).


    christ, i think i’m getting sick again.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Matt Albright’s on the telly. What amazes me about him is that anybody’s fooled by his awful series of disguises he wears on Rogue Traders. If I was theiving off old ladies and he walked through the door looking like an old man with Matt Albright’s face, I’d be out of that house like the clappers.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Any chance you can steal some of her underwear? She’s not exactly ‘A’ list, but I reckon you’d still get a fair price for ‘er smalls on e-Bay.

  9. indy Says:

    “den här videon är inte tillgänglig i ditt land eller i din domän” (this video is not available in your country or your domain)

    racists! i want to see webb dance as well… i guess i’ll have to wait til late march to see that video.

    what’s your view on goody then?

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Good luck to ‘er, I say. I don’t see what’s wrong with her leeching as much moollah out of the papers as you can.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I knew one of these scam artists in lincolnshire. He was a hoover salesman who sold revolutionary hoovers that didn’t work. He’d drive me and some pals about the countryside whilst he was drunk on Stella and stoned on drugsmoke on his days off.

    Then one day my nan told me a certain Andy High had been around and tried to sell her a hoover. He was a lovely man, she told me, but she’s already got a hoover.


  12. Napoleon Says:

    As ‘she’ can, not ‘you’. You’re not going to make a bean off ’em, Indy.

  13. breeks Says:

    napoleon – maybe. i’ve actually seen her bits in the changeroom. i’ll sell you my memory of that for £1k.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – I’ve no issue with jade. The public and Max Clifford though – different story. Vultures.

    Bree – hello.

    Indy – iPlayer?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t flog memories, Breeks. I need stolen knickers.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Clifford’s horrible, isn’t he? He’s one of those personalities that makes my skin creep. Others are:

    Malcolm Maclaren
    Garry Bushell
    James Whale

  17. indy Says:

    sh: mozilla – probably going through a german server in rüsselheim.

  18. breeks Says:

    hmm. the house is rather fortress-like. the front door barely opens. maybe i’ll just ask her on my way home tonight.

    ‘nicks, naps wants some of your filthy knickers. please.’

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Chapman looked good in her Sandy D leather kecks. Except she had a perspiring Biggins attachment which spoiled the illusion.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Bacon’s doing a good job, eh?
    I quite like Dickie Bacon.

  21. Nick T Says:

    I think he made a good job of it, bless.

    Bingo bango makes the US look worse. Youtube comments remind me of EC. Thems was the days.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    They weren’t really the days, Nick T…

    Let’s face it, WWM is like a limited but public EC… we should get some Christians over

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Bacon’s always good when he fills in for Wright. Much better than that flappy-mouthed harridan, Lowri Turner.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Expert: Lot’s of men binge drink and then do no exercise during the week…

    Bacon: …Is that good?

  25. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this ‘EC’?

  26. Nick T Says:

    Don’t tempt them!
    Oh, they’re beyond temptation…

  27. Napoleon Says:


  28. Nick T Says:

    It’s where I met SH, Piqued, Breeks and Roszs.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of religion – anyone seen ‘Religulous’? Well worth stealing off of the internet. It’s presented by Bill Maher, the Yankee comedian, and his approach is a bit more palatable than the waspy style of Richard Dawkins.

  30. Nick T Says:

    And Ugeiniieneen

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, right. What was it? Some sort of forum?

  32. indy Says:

    np: yes i saw ‘religulous’ and i found it quite boring. not as boring as that smug pointdexter dawkins* but it didn’t really make it for me. a bit too from above and freakshowish.

    *the problem with dawkins is that he is right but that he comes across as a really annoying person

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Dawkins is a bit of an arsehole.

  34. indy Says:

    dawkins is the original arsehole

  35. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Morning…managed to miss this program.
    Never mind. I have an idea however that I thought I would run by you all. Why do we not have a wwm “live” TV program dialogue, a la digitalspy. You know, when people post comments during a program. And the program that we could try this with? My suggestion would be The Apprentice. What do you reckon..? It could be done either via this website or Twitter.

  36. breeks Says:

    EC was where i wasted most of 2002.

    if you weren’t there, naps, we can’t explain it to you.

    *looks left

  37. Nick T Says:


    Ha ha ha ha ha ha

  38. Swineshead Says:

    I had that thought during the Brits, DINLT… it could work via twitter and people’s comments on twit (particularly fourstar) were ace…. one to think about.

    Did Dickie Dawkins evolve into an arsehole, or was he one from his creation>?

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Maybe he evolved from his own arsehole? Scientific types wouyld probably be able to explain how this is possible by using charts full of all symbols and suchlike.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    EC was a weird social network tool that mimicked Friendster.

    I happened across it while bored at work and there Louche, Uge, Nick T, Piqued, Breeks and Roszs and all us lot met and talked rubbish all day.

    Then the Americans found it and populated it with their evangelism. Weirdly, at that point and in a misguided effort to keep the original readership, EC ‘Gods’ launched an adults only page which was shunned by pretty much everyone apart from the demented few who posted pics of their own body parts.

    Eventually it closed down as the Brits left because of overcrowding and the Christians left as their pastors told them it was unholy.

  41. extremelisteningmode Says:

    The best bit of the show was Biggins clearly being there for a laugh while Chapman REALLY REALLY wanted to be asked back.

    Actually, no, it was Robert Webb. I was in a slightly hammered after being at the football state, and did wonder if my drunken lil eyes were playing tricks. Kudos to the man.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I see. So it was basically this site, but without the television bit at the top?

  43. Swineshead Says:

    ELM – glad you corrected yourself there.

    Nappers – yep.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    It’s now 11.19 and I’ve officially done fuck all. Apart from comment here and listen to The Senseless Things back catalogue on Spotify.


    *moshes like a grebo*
    *bangs head*
    *has to have a sit down*

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I see. I’m bored with this line of enquiry now.

    Now then, I watched a film called ‘I.O.U.S.A.’ last night. It was alright, if a bit on the dull side.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Fair enough.

    Never heard of it.

    I watched Gran Torino this weekend. Quite amusing.

  47. Nick T Says:

    I watched an old 70s fiulm called Babylon. It had that guy from the Double Deckers in it and that man from the Flash ads. I had to turn it off after 40 mins as i couldn’t understand what was going on as the accents were uninteligable (?)

  48. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve done absolutely nothing worthwhile either. I’ve e-mailed Swineshead, Piqued and an old friend from the olden days I shouted at in a drunken e-mail, written the words ‘Jon Bon Jovi chained to dustbin’ on Microsoft Word, read some stuff on Wikipedia and watched The Wright Stuff and Trisha (still watching Trisha). I’m contemplating taking my Christmas tree down, but don’t know if I can relly be arsed with that today.

  49. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Nick, that’s a good film. I have seen it too, did not realise it was on.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – ‘I.O.U.S.A.’ is about America being financially in the shit. It was a bit figure heavy, like, but quite interesting.

  51. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Another good one is “Pressure”.

  52. breeks Says:

    things i have done today:-

    (i) spilt coffee on a (litearlly) 7ft tall stranger in the coffee shop,
    (ii) taken taxi to office from coffee shop, a journey of less than a mile,
    (iii) given supervision to one of my workers,
    (iv) taken a 45min call from australia,
    (v) drunk robitussin straight from the bottle, twice
    (vi) claimed 2hrs extra on my timesheet,
    (vii) bullied my boyfriend into going to a & e.

    so far.

  53. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    just watched that clip. he looks a bit like old Jacko himself.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    I’m currently watching a Rottweiller doing a giant poo in our front garden.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    She’s finished having a poo now.

  56. breeks Says:

    at the (guaranteed) risk of raising an old argument, a suggested mast for the meatship (discussed at length with various people weekend just gone) is rib or ribs.

    i like it.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t argue with that.

  58. Nick T Says:

    DINLT, I had it on DVD.
    I found the Jamacan hard to comprehend
    Plus Mrs Nick didn’t have a clu and kept asking me what they were saying. I had to make it up half the time.
    It was good though, ‘specialy the 1970s racist women.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    I should have listened to Ugeine, by the way. I got that Fallout 3, and it’s crap. Wandering around a miserable brown wasteland collecting various bits of rubbish, selling the rubbish for bottle caps, using the bottle caps to buy more rubbish, then getting killed because the aiming’s a pile of shit. A big pile of rotten arses.

  60. Nick T Says:

    I played worms on my PS1…..

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Worms was fun. A damn sight more fun than Fallout fucking 3. It’s actually made me depressed.

  62. Nick T Says:

    A lot of views for the vid SH…

  63. Nick T Says:

    You could play with your Terry Tibbs soundboard.
    “Wooden Ladders?”

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I love that Terry Tibbs character. And that Internet Serwice Prowidings fella. I liked the one where he rang a British Asian man and the guy ended up arguing with his furious manager. Brilliant.

  65. indy Says:

    i used to play worms on my old amiga.

  66. breeks Says:

    i am going home, now.

  67. Nick T Says:

    The large African fellow is my fav. Have you seen the youtube vid where you se the guy who does it?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    You see him all the time in those Doovde ads and stuff, don’t you? Or is that not him?

  69. ugeine Says:

    My flatmates want me to see that slumdog thing on wednesday. As it won 99,000 oscars last night, I’m bound to find it well boring. I just red read the WMM thing on it, but I was wondering if any of you guys would reccomend giving it a miss?

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I would, and I haven’t even seen it. I still think I’m qualified to pooh-pooh it, mind, because I’ve seen the adverts for it. Don’t go and watch it. Instead, save your money and buy a mouse. And a cage to keep IT in, obviously. Then, when the mouse has settled in and is off doing mouse stuff, buy a snake and feed the mouse to it. It won’t like THAT.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    And you should have made more of an effort putting me off Fallout 3, by the way. I hold you personally responsible for the cloud of misery I’m sitting under now. You bastard.

  72. ugeine Says:

    *takes notes*

  73. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: Cloud of misery? Would that be the mushroom cloud hovering over Megaton?

  74. indy Says:

    …and i’ve heard rumours that 16 indian orphans were killed during the production of slumdog millionaire…

  75. ugeine Says:

    From what I’ve heard the deserved it, Indy. Oprhans get all the luck.

  76. Mel Says:

    Ugeine, It’s OK at best, and the ending is too slushy. But Danny Boyle did collect his award “like tiggger off of Winnie the Pooh” if that makes it any more bearable.. Which it doesn’t for me, I have to say.

    There are probably better films to go and spend 8 quid on

    SH – one cannot view I-player or C4 outside of the UK. Unless you get a proxy with a uk address, which i think is probably illegal, so I would never attempt that. Oh no sir. I’d be bloody surprised if there were TV dectector vans in MY area though…

  77. Nick T Says:

    Mel, the video is on the youtube.

    Who is Looche, from EC yes?

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I didn’t blow the place up. For the most part, I’ve just trudged around collecting crap so I can afford bullets. Or just stood there and stared at the bleak, brown misery of it all, not wanting to go on. I’ve given up on it and am wading into The Lost & The Damned instead. Fallout 3 is dead to me now. In fact, I suspect you owe me money for not stopping me buying it.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Has this Slumdog Millionaire got futuristic zombie Nazis from space? Slitting gizzards?

  80. Mel Says:

    Nick T – but can only be viewed from the UK on you tube, because of the TV license.

  81. Mel Says:

    NC, no, but that would have made a much better film. Let’s not go there with your favoured, but ultimately pointless shark/dinosaur hybrid though

  82. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: It’s a bloody depressing game, that’s for sure. But you can kit your character out with a selection of magnificent mustaches. And that special amining thing looks good. And if you get bored of doing quests for people you can just shoot up the town like a trademark badass out of a cowboy film.

  83. Nick T Says:

    Mel, oh, sorry.

  84. ugeine Says:

    Mel: Sounds like the kind of film I fall asleep in front of. Though the zombie nazis would help, if there are any (just like they made hard rock zombies into a stonewall classic)

  85. ugeine Says:

    SH: Sent a review thing to your googlemail.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – There was nothing pointless about that shark / dinosaur hybrid. You just don’t understand these sort of things because you’re obsessed with shoes.

    Ugeine – That aiming thing’s a pain in the arse. The amount of times I’ve shot at some bugger at point blank range in the head, and they’ve not died. And when your bloody AP runs low, actually aiming at anything before it rips your head off is nigh-on impossible. AND IT’S SO MISERABLE!

  87. Mel Says:

    Actually NC, i am obsessed with sharks, and have more than a passing interest in dinosaurs, which is exactly why i can tellthat this hybrid would be a waste of time, and most likely infertile, so would have no hope of recreating.

    Aaaaargh i’ve just listened to Danny Boyle Receiving hes gong “in the Spirit of Tigger” for the bazillionth time. It is driving me mad. I should really just be arsed enough to stop listening to the radio, as all the programmes are on a loop after 10.00 on the World Service anyway.

  88. Mel Says:

    Gah, that should, of course, read procreating

  89. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll watch Slumdog Millionaire if:

    1. Slumdog is a talking dog armed with a head-mounted gattling gun and razor paws.
    2. He fights futuristic zombie Nazis from space.
    3. There’s a shark crossed with a dinosaur in it.

    If these criteria aren’t met, I’m fucked if I’m watching it.

  90. ugeine Says:

    You would have thought worldwide nuclear armageddon would have been a bit more pleasant.

    Wait until you get to the supermutants, if you ever do, Napoleon. They take about 990 bullets to kill and there’s only about 980 in the whole game. One of my friends made a character that’s all good at fighting with sticks, she never has ammo worries. The bitch.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Would it arse be a waste of time. For a start it’s as big as a skyscraper, and for another, it’s a fucking shark crossed with a fucking dinosaur. What’s not to like about that? It’s like saying you wouldn’t be intrigued to see a Hitler / Stalin Genocidobot 2000.

  92. ugeine Says:

    ‘1. Slumdog is a talking dog armed with a head-mounted gattling gun and razor paws.’

    I really, seriously wish you were involved in making movies Napoleon.

  93. indy Says:

    your hitler / stalin genocidobot 2000 won’t stand a chance against my chairman mao / nebuchadnezzar wrath of yahveh-bot…

  94. Mel Says:

    See you prove my point – the hitler/stalin genocidobot would spend so much time arguing with itself over (ultimately similar, just seen from the other side of the fence) ideologies that the killing would never commence – ultimately pointless. EXACTLY like you shark dinosaur hybrid.

    Apart from anything else, the largest dinosaurs were slow moving vegemetarians, because they did not need to run away, being too big for even T-Rex to hunt them, and too big to move all that quickly.

    This is why i don’t like that many films, because i demand more realism, making horror and most thrillers a non-starter.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Someone once told me I’d ruin any film I ever got my hands on, Ugeine.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – This is all balls, is this!

    1. The Hiter /Stalin Genocidobot 2000 wouldn’t spend all its time arguing with itself because it would be the Hitler and Stalin from that bit where they pretended to get on so they could carve up Poland, the cold-hearted shithouses. So there.

    2. The dinosaur / shark hybrid monster wouldn’t be slow-moving or a vegematarian. It would have the body of a T-Rex (which is dead fast), and the head of a shark so it could eat loads of humans with its big mouth. So there, again.

  97. Mel Says:

    Uh, OK Nappers. Whatever on the weird hybrid things, but as i understood it wasn’t it Roosevelt and Churchill that carved up the Eastern bloc with Stalin as reparation for the seige of Moscow or somesuch?

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – That was the Yalta conference. I’m on about the Nazi-Soviet pact that Hitler ‘n’ Stalin signed before the war started. It was at this time both dictators agreed to come back at some in the future to terrorize the human race as a genocidal, Nazi / Communist super robot from the year 2000.

  99. Mel Says:

    Hmm, i think this must have been the millenium bug that made Richard Madely so scared he built himself a survival cupboard in his house.

  100. indy Says:


  101. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – They’ve hushed it up in the history books so nobody gets worried.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – I’m not sure a Molotov / Ribbentropp hybrid super robot would be as effective as a Hitler / Stalin hybrid super robot. Ribbentropp was an arsehole for a start.

    Actually, they were all arseholes. It’s just that Ribbentropp was a useless arsehole.

  103. Badger Madge Says:

    *comes in late to the convo*
    er… i’ve seen religulous/ apart from the last few mins when he goes off on some kind of michael moore-style rant i really liked it.

    oh, and virgin are being wankers re: our net connection. it seems that it’s now being turned on THIS weds, not last thurs. that will make it a month since we called about it.


  104. indy Says:

    np: the pact! it was the molotov-ribbentrop pact. they were both (arseholes and) foreign ministers dealt with the split of poland. the former also gave name to the coctail.

  105. ugeine Says:

    BM: You’ve got hours of fun with virgin broadband. They’ve got this really fun game that comes with the software where you have to click the yellow circle with the cross in it to get your wireless adapter connected to the internet. You get to play this game every five minutes.

  106. indy Says:

    …and i’m turning into peep-show-mark…

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – Oh, sorry. Didn’t realise you meant that. Mind you, I still don’t reckon it’d be half as scary as the Hitler / Stalin Genocidobot 2000.

  108. Mel Says:

    yes, nc if you are Richard Madely, i imagine it is very scary indeed.

  109. ugeine Says:

    I’m working on a remake of that Arnie firlm where he’s got all the good DNA and Danny Di Vito has all the bad DNA. It stars the chuckle brothers, and Barry gets all the good chuckle DNA.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    My Virgin broadband connection goes off about three times a month. You ring that fault line, and someone in a call-centre tells you to switch your modem off and on again. As if the thought had never fucking occurred to you before it’s suggested for the umpteenth time. Bastards.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Surely they’d be passing that DNA backwards and forwards between one another, wouldn’t they?

  112. Badger Madge Says:

    Ugeine, I wait with baited breath! Going to get the OH to play it, I reckon as he’s the one who is with them anyway…

    I shall play the “I don’t know nowt about technology” card!

  113. Napoleon Says:

    You could have Arnie firing a gun that shoots rock-hard chunks of shit at Nazi zombies / dinosaur-shark creatures / dictator robots. ‘The Shitulizer 2000’, you could call it. It could have a button to switch to diarrhoea.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – That’s a clever card to play. My missus’s favourite is the ‘I’m Too Weak And Feeble’ card. This card sees me reduced to the status of an over-laden donkey on any shopping trip we make.

  115. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: Thanks for giving me the image in my head of the chuckle brothers snogging.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I can do far worse. Imagine, if you will, Zippy shitting in Bungle’s mouth … and Bungle likes it.

  117. ugeine Says:

    See NP, this is why I’m paying you in that consultant role. Except it would be the Chuckle brothers.

    ‘To you!’


    ‘To me!’


  118. Napoleon Says:

    Funny how those cheques keep getting lost in the post, Ugeine. I have my suspicions this paid consultancy work is a scam.

  119. ugeine Says:

    Zippy and Bungle are now going to open my act three, Napoleon.

    And, remember, you asked to be paid entirely in pepperanis. There’s about 600,00o on the back of a truck winging it’s way to your house as we speak.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    I love Peperamis, me. Even when there was a massive outbreak of salmonella off of ’em in the ’80s, I never lost faith. I like the Firesticks best, closely followed by the hot ones. The normal one’s alright, but I prefer the spicier versions.

  121. Nick T Says:

    I like the sheep in Worms, oh but he is a bit stupid. The homing pidgeons are the best though or maybe the cows…..

  122. ugeine Says:

    Holy Hand Grenade Nick!

  123. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: I have one for lunch every day. I tend to leave them a while so they’re all hard and chewy.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    Where is everyone today, by the way? My theory is the young ‘uns are out robbing, and the older ones are worrying about the Credit Crunch. Me, I’m eating Opal Fruits.

  125. Mel Says:

    I bet they’re still called opal fruits in your house NC, you will have no truck with that starburst nonsense

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I get Peperami greed, I do. I buy them five packs, then scoff ’em all, one after the other. I ate fifteen in a row once. Didn’t feel so good after that.

  127. Nick T Says:

    Oh yeah Ug and the carpets!
    I’ve just supped a licorice tea. I have a bit of fetish for the licorice. I use a yummy fennel toothpaste.
    For more delighful insights into my life stay tuned……

  128. Mel Says:

    Nick, does your fennel tea have other substances in it?

    Ug and the carpets?? I think you are high on that tea.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I certainly won’t. I’ll doggedly stick to one meaningless, old-fashioned corporate name over a flashier, but equally meaningless, corporate name anyday.

    Marathon, anyone?

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Licorice tea? What the hell’s that? Tea’s made off of tea leaves, not bloody licorice.

  131. Mel Says:

    I’m with you on that one Nappers, i just wish they still made pacers mint sweets. They were acers.

  132. piqued Says:

    I fucking hate Fennel. I had it baked once, it came back up again with stale beer behind it.

    To call it ‘yummy’ is worse than The Gulag

  133. Napoleon Says:

    I used to like them, Mel. If I had my way, I’d have all snacks and beverages stuck in a permanent 1987. That way, I’d be able to enjoy Monster Munch with the correct texture, and drink as much Quatro as I could stomach. Everything would taste better as well – the sugar and salt Nazis hadn’t gone poking their noses into snacks in 1987. Mmmm … flavour.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued’s right – fennel’s ‘orrible.

  135. piqued Says:

    Pacers were crap Mel, like eating polo tainted Copydex

    To like Pacers is worse than the deportation and ghettoisation of the Jews from Greater Germany

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Blimey, is it? In that case, I could never stand the damn things. Good riddance, I say.

  137. Nick T Says:

    Licorice tea and Fenel touthpaste Mel
    Tea contains Licuorice (41%) cinnamon, ginger, orange peel, cardomom, black pepper (!) roasted chicory, barley malt, cloves, orange extract, vanilla extract and is blimmin tasty. I will need to have a coffee soon or there is a great danger of me falling asleeep on the way home or at my desk.

  138. Nick T Says:

    Do they still make Tab? What was the point of that?

  139. Mel Says:

    Piqued is clearly too old to have liked pacers. I bet it were all about spearmint pips and cough drops in his day. And Humbugs, of course.

    Also, he has clearly just got out of bed – on the wrong side. Curmudgeonly old bugger

  140. Napoleon Says:

    That’s not tea. It sounds like something you’d find in a rabbit’s hutch. A rabbit you’re none too keen on.

  141. piqued Says:

    I used to like Pop Rocks, those lethal little lumps of candy that on contact with saliva would leap about your mouth like the hellish contents of Mount Etna.

    To not like Pop Rocks is worse than The Rape of Nanking

  142. piqued Says:

    I remember Pacers very well you young whippersnapper…

    Remember Cool Mints?! I ate a tube at school once and followed through in double English. They were essentially ex-lax but more effective.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I watched a film about the Rape of Nanking last year. I could be wrong, but it looked worse than not liking Pop Rocks.

  144. Nick T Says:

    A very exotic rabbit….

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Cool Mints did have a laxative effect, didn’t they? Played bloody havoc with my bowels, they did.

  146. Mel Says:

    I’m sure that stuff was called something different in my day, grandad.

    I just cannot remember what it was called, maybe space something?

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Space Dust?

  148. piqued Says:

    You watch your manners in front of your elders and better young Mel or I’ll tan your hide.

    (NC, maybe I went a little too far with the Pop Rocks/ Rape of Nanking simile)

  149. Mel Says:

    Bloody hell, my *real* Grandad used to say he would tan my hide.

    Aaah memories…

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Maybe you did, I don’t know. That said, I have no hesitation in saying not liking Texan bars is worse than the bombing of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

  151. Mel Says:

    yes NC, it was called space dust. I’m glad you knew that, it would have kept me awake trying to think of that one. Thanks.

    Pacers were acers. What’s not to like about a white minty sweet with a little pair of green stripes around them? Nothing at all to do with genocide or the holocaust, you miserable old bugger

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Glad to be of service. Any other bleeding obvious things you need pointing out, you come to me.

  153. piqued Says:

    Space Dust wasn’t banned, Pop Rocks were as they had this habit of flying into the windpipe. Very disappointing Space Dust but I’d kill to try some now. 10p a bag mind.

    I’m with you on Texan Bars (remember the ad, ‘when a mans gotta chew whatta mans gotta chew’ -or was that Toffos) but I maintain that pacers were just shit chewits


  154. Mel Says:

    What about a finger of fudge? Used to give me a treat every pocket money day they did.

  155. Mel Says:

    I don’t recall ever having eaten a Texan bar. What was in them then?

  156. Napoleon Says:


  157. Excelsior! Says:


    I cant find any old school sweets since the local post office closed. Probably part of a sinister plot to restrict my sugar intake.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – They were this chewy white stuff you could stretch out dead far covered in chocolate. Fucking lovely they were.

  159. Mel Says:

    there are online shope for them Excelsior.

    What was in a texan bar please thankyou?

  160. Nick T Says:

    You need this place you old codgers http://www.aquarterof.co.uk

  161. Mel Says:

    A bit like topics without the nuts then? Or the top “deck” of a double decker?

  162. Nick T Says:

    No need to kill Piqued…http://www.aquarterof.co.uk/advanced_search_result.php?keywords=space+dust&x=0&y=0

  163. Mel Says:

    And who used to have fireballs? Oh they were lovely they were.

    Cinnamony goodness…

  164. piqued Says:

    Trouble with Texan Bars (it was nougat stuff) is the chocolate would fall off

    (There is an old man in the office openly looking at porn, btw)

  165. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No. The chewy stuff was unlike anything else I’ve ever had. Sort of like nougat crossed with chewits. Sort of. It’s difficult to describe, like.

  166. Excelsior! Says:

    An online shop wont have a que of school kids outside, who have to wait to go in two at a time while i barge right on in cos im adultish these days. Its just not the same

  167. Excelsior! Says:

    Disregard my above statement, ive just seen wham bars on that website.

    The kids can go fuck themselves (they probably will anyway)

  168. Mel Says:

    Nick T that site is brilliant. I am now remembering chewing nuts – woo hoo

  169. Mel Says:

    *And* they have fireballs. Brilliant.

  170. Excelsior! Says:

    “chewing nuts”


  171. piqued Says:

    Great link Nick, I too am up for Wham bars and, of course, Space Dust

    *loses fillings and a kidney*

  172. Mel Says:

    Can we get a WWM order? I shall be in the motherland in a few weeks, so i can pick them up then…

  173. Nick T Says:

    Jelly snakes. I know they can still be got. Just love em.

  174. Nick T Says:

    You’re all down the sweetshop aren’t you?

  175. Mel Says:

    So, what were your favourite sweets, Nick?

  176. Nick T Says:

    Mel, I have a memory of eating a chocolate bar called a “Yankie”.
    I believe I may have imagined it as I can find no information on it what so ever.
    I’ve always been a fan of the gum type of sweet including the American Hard variety and M&s wine gums. My daughter and I used to put a packet on a hot radiator so they would all melt together fdorming one giant multi flavoured wine gum.
    I will probably end up buying her new teeth for her 21st but we’ll always have the memories….

  177. Nick T Says:

    What about you Mel?

    *offers sherbet lemon*

    Since starting the Atkins I have found that I now like dark chocolate having despised it thus far.

  178. Mel Says:

    Oh I loved those Fireballs i was banging on about. I used to get sweets and make them last aaaaaaaaaaaages, just to annoy my sister, who would scoff them all down, then pester me for mine!

    I used to hate those “milky” kind of jelly sweets though, i only liked the fruit ones. And white chocolate anything has always been disgusting.

    I don’t eat sweets these days.

    I was amused to find out that in Australia they call all sweets lollies, even ones that do not come on sticks!

  179. Nick T Says:

    Yes they do Mel and crisps “chips”.
    A strange breed. They regard a dry jam covered sponge cake (Lamington) as the height of sophistication and sit a meat pie in a sea of gravy!!

  180. Mel Says:

    But they do that in London too Nick, except it is called liquor, and it is green. Bleurgh.

    But still not as wrong as chips and gravy. From a chippie.

  181. Nick T Says:

    I lust after chips….with mayonaise.

    One more stone and I will.

  182. Mel Says:

    that is standard fare over here Nick – just like the Royale wit cheese (Tarrantino was living here for a bit and wrote his experiences into Pulp Fiction)

  183. ugeine Says:

    Chips gravy and cheese. Add two turkey twizzlers and you’ve got what I ate for lunch every school day aged 10 – 16. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Oliver.

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds nice, Ugeine. Except for the cheese. I’ll never forgive that Oliver character for denying me the chance to sample a Turkey Twizzler. I only got wind of ’em from his patronising School Dinners show. Bastard. They should clap him in irons and throw him off a skyscraper.

  185. ugeine Says:

    I feel sorry for you Napoleon, I really do.

    Having not sampled sex in breadcrumbs (It’s unofficial name), there’s no point of reference that I can use to try and explain it to you. All I can say is that us who sampled such delights, (anybody who went into school in the 90s) we pass each other in the streets and you can tell by the look in their eyes they’re thinking ‘I was there, ugeine, that distant corner of the culinary map we shared at that one special time, I too with every turkey filled bite got to stare God in the face.’

    You weren’t there man, you weren’t there.

  186. Napoleon Says:

    Yeah? Well fuck you, Ugeine. YOU weren’t there to sample Quatro, or Pacers, or Cool Mints, or Texan bars, or Monster Munch when they had the same texture as Space Raiders (and were therefore lovelier). You Turkey Twizzler guzzling little whippersnapper! NOTHING decent happened in the ’90s … alright, that’s a lie. Anyway, you’re an arse.

    I’ve sort of lost my train of thought, haven’t I? That’ll be the CJD-riddled beefburgers I wolfed down in the ’80s + blind rage for being denied Turkey Twizzlers.

  187. Nick of the T Says:

    Lets do ice lollies tomorrow?
    Funny feet anyone?

  188. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never forgiven a lad called Timmy Blyth for biting the head off of my Mr. T lolly. He sprays maggots for a living now.

  189. Mel Says:

    Nick T – your made up chocolate bar – are you sure you aren’t thinking about Yorkies, that were advertised by truckers as being manly chocolate – or something?

    I have been mulling that one for a while.

    Also, did anyone else used to think that the advert for Feasts was singing “false teeth false teeth, false teeth oh ohoh”?

  190. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No.

  191. Mel Says:

    Nappers – not even at the start of this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uiy7QdCiw6c

  192. Selina Stevens Says:

    Hey breek

    I see you live opposite Nicki.
    You ever spoken to her then? TEll us all the goss on her.
    Where abouts does she live then?

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