KFC – Boneless Bargain Banquet for One

by

Hey you!

Yes, you..!

Are you sick of all the needless bother that goes hand-in-hand with enjoying a meal? Are you bored of having to sit at a table; of facing other people, of trying new and interesting food and having to use cutlery and plates?

How about restaurants? Aren’t they a pain? The way they make you choose what you want from a text menu instead of brightly lit photographs with combo options. It’s obscene.

And they make you sit inside them too – at tables. All you really want to do is sit at a bus stop bench with a cardboard box.

They’re so arrogant, showing off about having food that you haven’t heard of or possibly may not like.

What about women? So fucking annoying the way they make you spend time with them – listening to what they say or doing what they want and, worst of all, making you break the endless cycle of repetitive behaviour that makes life so easy.

Have you tried cooking? What a waste of time! Buying all those ingredients and then having to prepare it yourself! It’s an insult – making you responsible for your own food. Like you have the time to learn how to do that!

Luckily there’s an alternative to all that bullshit; a way out of socialising and trying new things, a way out of wasting time in the kitchen or spending more than a fiver on food. It’s called the KFC Boneless Bargain Banquet for One and it is the future of culinary delight.

No longer do you have to wait more than two minutes for your snap. No longer do you have to face the insufferable company of your other half and no longer are you bound by the societal constraints of etiquette or manners… it’s finally here! Freedom.

You can sit alone on the kerb and stuff yourself silly with greasy and abused meat from a questionable source and not have to worry about choice or flavour.

Vegetables? Bollocks! Taste? Bollocks! Polite company? Bollocks!

You can now sit in public and wolf down non-threatening food and not have to worry about trifling annoyances like bones or using forks. Look at those poor saps, stuck indoors and having a nice time with the ones they love. Pity them, for they are bound by having to make decisions, pretending to enjoy their fancy-dancy toff grub. You are the real winner, alone and free to enjoy your genetically spliced super meat without restaurants or the effort of cooking.

Have you tried Tennents Super? It’s brilliant – it gets you pissed without the constraints of having to enjoy the drink. How about microwavable burgers? So useful, because who wants to have to wait for longer than a minute and a half for dinner?

While we’re here, let’s mention internet porn… After all, who wants to go to the bother of talking to a woman when all you really want is tits at the click of a button?

KFC are all about the here and now. We’re about instant and easy gratification without the attention to pointless aspects like enjoyment or quality. We don’t bother you with company or pleasant surroundings, we don’t oppress you with plates and glasses – we’ll mainline you with an instant, worry-free hit of MSG and we guarantee you won’t have to talk to a girl, a waiter or another human being in the process.

What’s more, we promise to treat you like a complete fucking troglodyte moron in not only our advertising, but in our restaurants too.

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50 Responses to “KFC – Boneless Bargain Banquet for One”

  1. mostlylouche Says:

    I hate this advert, well maybe not hate. It makes me sad, like meeting an ex-super star who is now a piss-stained tramp.

    Is the chap in the advert going to have another date with the girl? I doubt it. Think on what you have done KFC, think on.

  2. kfc Says:

    Or even better we can get some sarcastic loser to advertise our restaurant for free on the internet. Complete with tags for the product, and our restaurant name. Thanks pointless drone no one cares about, we’ll get back to making millions of pounds now.

  3. mostlylouche Says:

    Gosh yes, because I’ll definitely be buying their product now.

  4. mostlylouche Says:

    Oh and that’s not really how keywords work. If this article had been tagged with ‘tasty meal’ then perhaps someone searching the interspaz looking for a take away meal might think

    ‘I say, KFC there is an idea’

    Although I doubt they will be inspired after reading this review. And really, who searches online for take-away options that you only eat while drunk at 3am?

    Instead, the tags on this feature will mean that people searching for news about KFC will find this article. I doubt anyone at the KFC marketing department who happens to be searching for what the people are saying about KFC will be amused by this.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    ‘kfc’ is probably that weirdo Dave mucking about. He mocked Piqued yesterday at length, brainlessly – then pretended to be a girl for the afternoon. Beyond odd.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Is Davesthermal pants Dave? Or is that I’mtheotherDave?

    I’m genuinely confused.

  7. Nick T Says:

    I don’t like eating food out of a bucket anyway.

    I could mention that I haven’t eaten meat for 25 years, oh….

  8. Quincy Phd Says:

    I love the way that the person we’re writing about magically appears to make a comment – like that time Jonathon Ross popped in to discuss my comments on his show, or when the production team from RudeTube felt obliged to drop us a link.

    And I think discussing how utterly revolting KFC is, and how patronising their advertising is hardly constitutes advertising. In fact, don’t we want people to come here?

    KFC KFC KFC.

  9. kfc Says:

    This article was posted at 7.38 it’s now only 3 hours later and either KFC or Kentucky Fried chicken appears on this page 21 times (including this comment). I don’t know how many hits this page gets but that sure looks like free advertising to me. Not to mention all the other people who will come here to comment on it. And the people who will click on the tags to read other blogs about… you guessed it – KFC.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    kfc – you’re a moron. Thanks for showing us how moronism works, you moronic moron.

  11. Goerge Says:

    Hey quincy. Having heard you describe the sheer revoltingness of this food product, please can you tell me where you can get such a thing? You see, as I’ve spent most of my life sniffing glue, I haven’t developed the eyesight to look at the many KFC restaurants that litter my town like condoms in a gutter so the first time I’ve heard of this restaurant is when you described it on that blog.

    Clever man, that KFC.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    For fuck’s sake – the lead image on the page is of a deep fried chicken’s HEAD. If you consider that an advert, you’re a moro…

    Oh.

  13. kfc Says:

    Swineshead that’s a very clever argument you put forward, well done. At least Goerge had something smart to say. You’re obviously a moron yourself.

    25 now. Keep it up they may pay you.

  14. Mikey Says:

    It’s the tag not the text that the search engine finds!

  15. Goerge Says:

    Where’s tombstone when you need him?

  16. Who Says:

    I love that they had to introduce ‘boneless’ especially for that advanced super greedy moron who insists on pushing the so-called meat in their face at warp speed – and can’t be either arsed or trusted to slow down and check for bones.

    LET ‘EM CHOKE, I SAY

  17. Swineshead Says:

    a.) It wasn’t actually posted at 7.38 a.m
    b.) It’s clearly not an advert and by your argument anything that mentions the name of something endorses it. So Russell Brand was endorsing George W Bush at the VMAs…
    c.) ‘kfc’ as a moniker is not particularly inventive – show yourself.

  18. Nick T Says:

    They changed the name to kfc as is would have beeni illigal to use the work “Chicken” as there is barely any chicken in it.

    Food for the sad and lonely. Walk past one of the shops, you’ll not see a happy face.

    They are faces of shame. It is a shameful “food”

  19. KFC Says:

    http://amyproctor.squarespace.com/blog/2007/8/11/captured-iraqi-terrorist-says-bin-laden-had-al-qaeda-camps-i.html

    LOOOKSA! DEYSS ADVERTISN BIN LADENSZ ANNA L QUEEDA

    DEYS MORONUS HUH LOLZ

    KFCSSES

  20. kfc Says:

    I realised after I posted that comment that you have a time difference so I apologise for that.

    It’s not an advert but the brand name KFC or Kentucky Fried Chicken has now appeared on this page 30 times, and they didn’t even have to pay you. They know the food is shit, they know the customers are unhappy and they also know that 99% of this country are complete idiots. That’s why all you are doing with this article is helping get the brand name into more idiots heads. You can’t buy George Bush, or even vote for him anymore, so that argument is invalid. Idiot.

    Okay my name is Greg, I have brown hair and live in Manchester. I can send you a picture if you want. How does that help exactly. What’s your name anyway?

  21. Nick T Says:

    To much fat in your diet (head) makes you type in capitals.

    Text speak is only for phones.

    This is the internet.

    “lol”

  22. Swineshead Says:

    My name is Mr Moderator, to you… and I’m not too keen on trolls.

    If you’ve nothing of interest to add (and so far you’ve not proved that you have) – why not go and troll your shit on another board?

  23. kfc Says:

    I see, another guy bullied at school so he moderates a blog so that people can tell him how right he is about everything. That will show those guys who spat on you who’s boss, eh?

    You’re right I’ve made my only point and I’m pretty sure I’m right so we can agree to disagree and I’ll leave you idiots to talk about KFC all day.

  24. Nick T Says:

    http://ecgroucho.10.forumer.com/index.php

    Try here.

    We’ll rtip the piss out of you

  25. Nick T Says:

    T O O M U C H K F C

  26. KFC Says:

    Holy shit Nick, that thing’s still going?

  27. Nick T Says:

    You bet your sweet bargain bucket!

  28. Who Says:

    Oh lord, it’s T*o P*nts all over again. Anyone want to talk about beetroot?

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Oh, ‘kfc’. Sorry, ‘Greg’…
    There’s only one thing worse than a blog moderator, and that’s a troll – so they say.

    I didn’t write this article. I write about a third of them. And most people, if they take issue with an article one of us writes, don’t act like a bedwetting arsehole about it, making totally stupid arguments that don’t actually bear scrutiny.

    Beyond that, I really don’t have to justify myself to you, so fuck off.

  30. KFC Says:

    ‘Oh, ‘kfc’. Sorry, ‘Greg’…’

    You did it again! Are you unaware you just made six people buy bargin buckets?

  31. Nick T Says:

    If by simply mentioning a name on the interweb encourages someone to part with their hard earned I’d be a millionaire by now.

    I am available on itunes!

    I am the whore oif the internet.

    I still work in a college..

  32. Joanne Says:

    My boyfriend found that in a piece of KFC chicken. That is a fucking brain.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Joanne – I’ve already shaken off my morning glory – such a waste of an arousing image.

    KFC – I haven’t got an issue with advertising or endorsement anyway. I couldn’t give a shit.

    KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC, KFC

    See?

    Leave me alone!

  34. Nick T Says:

    If one is eating chicken , why get all prissy about a litlle brain?
    You’ve been choping on bits of the wretched birds arse…

  35. KFC Says:

    Anybody ever read Fast Food nation? Brilliant book. I give it two thumbs up.

    See, THAT’S an advert.

  36. Joanne Says:

    It wasn’t me eating it, and I can’t bring myself to eat anything but breast meat anyway. One of the many reasons I don’t eat at KFC. He reported it to Food Standards or some agency or other and ended up with a £10 postal order and a £10 KFC voucher. What a joke.

  37. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I am not KFC, let it be said. I have no self-respect, true, but even I have my limits. And Piqued deserved what he got, the beautiful bugger.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – I reread some of those comments and they were, as we say in Lincolnshire: ‘a bit ‘arsh’.

    But were you really 1000mice? If so, that really is weird.

  39. Mikey Says:

    Going back to the article (rather than indulging in kfc’s rather childish and spurious argument), it is a rather strange message that the advertiser is giving us. Let me say wild horses could not drag me into a fast food outlet, so the ad is not aimed at me. Nonetheless as Quincy points out, why the hell would you rush out of a restaurant with attractive company to go and sit in the street? Which ad agency was responsible for this rubbish?

  40. Davesthermalpants Says:

    No, SH. And as always I’m being a daft arsehole for my own E-masochistic needs. I’m a troll. But he poked me first and all that.

    Nice post today. I won’t comment further for all our sakes.

  41. Goerge Says:

    I do actually like KFC now and again. Never as a meal though, mainly as a snack or when I can’t be arsed to feed myself properly.

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’d type a response but my fingers are slippy with chicken grease. Fucking tasty* though. Thanks guys!

    *Well, not so much “tasty”, more like “shit”. But you get the idea.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    When I was a drinking man, KFC was the go-to fast food outlet for my hangover cure.

    Seeing that battered brain Joanne posted, I’m glad I don’t have hangovers any more.

  44. Nick T Says:

    I refer the homorable member to my previous answer….

  45. Nick T Says:

    Wilt though be writting about the new BBC3 “comedy” Coming of Age” next week?
    It looks to be as good as 2 pints!

  46. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Chicken aside (please!), the article is good. Made me chortle. I love laughing at morons, me.
    There are no mirrors in my house.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just finished some work, so haven’t got round to reading this ’til now. Quincy, did you learn what to like and what to ponderously despise at university? Or are you still an A level student?

  48. Quincy Phd Says:

    While I did attend university, and at some point was an a-level student, I cultivated my hate for things much later on – after life had spat me out and made me poor. No youth for me, I’m afraid – 31 today and bitter as houses.

    You’re not defending this KFC advert now, are you Napoleon? KFC tastes like deep fried cat poo to me but I’m not telling you not to eat it – this advert though, even to the most liberal and free-for-all viewer is utter shit…

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Quincy – so at what point did you begin your career as an M.E.?

  50. The Tombstone Says:

    “Where’s tombstone when you need him?”

    Who’d have thought there would be a bigger twat than me on here, eh? I won’t be posting until I learn how to interact properly in a public forum though, which doesn’t look like it will happen anytime soon. I think I’ll just stick to reading the articles and enjoying the comments for now. Or I could take a page out of Dave’s book and put on a dress and call myself 100 hippos or something.

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